David Cameron: The grand high witch

5 Oct 2013

The Conservative Party Conference reminded me of the 1990 film, The Witches. The scene where the witches enter the hall, remove their wigs and shoes, revealing their square-ended feet and true monstrous form. The only difference, the film was popular.

Cameron’s Panasonic breadmaker that leaves a wonderful smell weaving through his kitchen, alongside Theresa May’s Vivienne Westwood trouser suit, were the cherry on top of a truly awful Conservative Party Conference. As they continue to breed austerity measures, welfare cuts, and branding teachers enemies of the state, the Tories have proved more than ever, that they are completely out of touch. The gap between the poor and the affluent has been drawn out in Parliament by a conservative-capitalist-orgy. Working people will soon learn that they will now have to adapt Walter White’s alter ego Heisenberg just to make ends meet.


Coming from a working-class background, I bask in the moments Cameron characterises my family members as the ‘undeserving poor’. The language used by the Cameron entourage to blame the poor for their plight was last heard in the nineteenth century, towards prostitutes in Covent Garden, and mothers who threw piss from their windows onto the streets. The party’s rhetoric towards the socially disadvantaged is worse than Thatcher’s vicious ways.

As the PM sleeps peacefully in his sister-in-law’s four-post bed awaiting a decadent wedding, millions of working people are making cuts to their living standards. Hundreds of thousands of public sector workers, the bedrock of our system, will be lining up at B&Q to buy their undeserving peasant children a batch of coal for Christmas. Only to have it snatched back as their parents try to frantically deal with rocketing energy prices.

We need a government that isn’t married to the bankers, a government that is aware of the price of a loaf. A government that should probably take into account the vast majority lack a breadmaker from their kitchen inventory. A government that is aware that poor people’s bread doesn’t go stale, it goes mouldy. We could probably give Jamie Oliver a lesson here too.

Perhaps while in the exclusive Bullingdon club, Cameron asked his co-members:

“What would be the best way we could truly fuck over the poor?”

Answer: The Bedroom Tax – or to use the Tory phraseology, ‘under-occupancy tenancy’.

“Let us charge those rats £10 for each week they under-occupy a room the size of our cleaners’ utility cupboard in their rotten little council houses. And, even if they do decide to leave, they can’t because there will be no houses for them. And, to make things fair, we’ll give the rich a tax break”

“Yah. Yah. Yah. Rah. Unanimous decision then boys?”

Now, more than 50,000 people are facing eviction after falling behind on rent due to the tax. But that isn’t enough. The Bullingdon club had another trick up their sleeves. Announced on Wednesday at the witches’ conference, 18-25 year-olds will also see their welfare entitlement ripped from them unless they ‘earn’ or ‘learn’ if the Conservatives win the 2015 general election. What will happen to the children who are unable to find employment and who’ve been failed by a state school education? These brutal and systematic attacks to the welfare state will send those who are already poor, into beggary.

Polls have shown that around two-thirds of voters support a 50p tax rate, stronger workers’ rights, renationalisation of the railways and privatised utility groups (sorry, Branson, as much as I enjoy investing half of my student loan on a ticket back up t’ north, it just isn’t good enough). The Grand High Witch has dismissed Red Ed’s ‘dangerous’ leftism. But, it’s this leftism most of the general bread savvy, non-Vivienne-wearing public want. I’m sure the energy companies will cope with losing money, we have.

By Ashley Cowburn


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