You may have heard that a mock documentary about the impact of a potential future UKIP government will air before next year’s general election, focusing on a fictional UKIP MP as she adjusts to life in government. But what will it look like, we can feel you wondering. Who will play Nigel Farage, given that the UKIP leader today refused to comment on who he would select to fill his shoes on screen? Well, wonder no more. Exclusively leaked (ok, not leaked – rather, spontaneously imagined), we have here the script for the opening scene of UKIP: The Movie.
So, sit back, enjoy a pint of Harvey’s and some home-grown British popcorn and let the purple and gold magic unfold…
Enter Ed Llewellyn [Kevin James], who after becoming disillusioned in his job as chief of staff to former Prime Minister David Cameron and narrowly missing out on the Ambassadorship to Berlin, defected to UKIP, is hissing frantically into his BlackBerry.
Llewellyn: “Nigel!! Where the bloody hell are you?!? Every sodding journo in the country is here for your opening press conference as Prime Minister!! You’re supposed to be outside Number 10 giving everyone the big prime ministerial wave… wherever you are, get back here right now!!”
As if by magic, the man of the moment arrives, fresh from the pub and seemingly none the worse for seven pints of London Pride - the new Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. Enter Nigel Farage [Benedict Cumberbatch]. He stubs his Rothman out on a passing six year old child and gives his most magisterial Queen wave to the adoring crowd.
Farage: “Today, we welcome a new politics. Our victory in the general election heralded a great victory for the People’s Army and I look forward to showing each and every one of you just what UKIP can achieve in government, dispelling a lot of the myths that all you metropolitan liberal media types have tried to hare about us in the past. The United Kingdom is no longer a country run by people who think that you should get something for nothing. Everyone here will have to sing for their supper and work.
“For instance, take this chap [Farage puts arm around police constable on duty outside door of No 10]. What’s your name and where are you from?”
Police constable [Daniel Craig]: “My name is Florin, Mr Farage, and I am from Romania.”
Farage looks briefly at the young constable as if he has some sort of sickening disease, shrinks backwards in horror and storms past him towards the front door Number 10. The press pack swarm towards the new Prime Minister but are apprehended by plucky new Business Secretary Patrick O’Flynn [Ian McKellen], his instincts as Farage’s former spin doctor serving him well. He politely asks the nation’s press if they could possibly give their new Prime Minister some space.
O’Flynn: “You shall not pass! This is a new politics and, together, we can create a new country which works for the people. For too long, no one has stood up for the working class but now the United Kingdom has a people’s government which works for the people, by the people and of the people. Now get back!”
The press ignore O’Flynn and surge forward. Chaos ensues. The majority of the press try to grab a final glimpse of Farage before he disappears inside his new home, but Sky News’ ever-alert Kay Burley [Sandra Bullock] darts around the back of No 10, where she finds the new Education Secretary Douglas Carswell [Alan Rickman] and the new Foreign Secretary Mark Reckless [Brian Blessed] slumped behind a wheelie bin, crying and cuddling each other for the reassurance that both of them desperately need.
Burley: “Education Secretary, Foreign Secretary - whatever’s the matter?”
Carswell: “It wasn’t meant to come to this, Kay - UKIP were never meant to be in government, we just wanted to piss off Dave! I was planning to defect back just after the election, I didn’t think we’d win! I really miss him…”
Reckless: “I really miss him, he used to do this thing where he’d talk really powerfully about his hashtag #longtermeconomicplanforhardworkingpeople. It used to really annoy me and I called him vacuous and stuff, but I really miss it now…”
Burley turns to the camera and begins to announce to Sky News’ viewers that UKIP are already a government in crisis, but before she can get the words out, the new Culture Secretary Paul ‘Nutter’ Nuttall [Sir Anthony Hopkins] grabs her cameraman in an expert judo hold and addresses the camera himself.
Nuttall: “All you metropolitan socialist media types have been pushing your anti-UKIP propaganda for too long - it’s our turn now. For starters, every newspaper in the country, apart from the Express, is officially disbanded. Yeah, even the Mail. Also, Sky News is no more. In fact, every news station in the country is closed, as of now. We’ll be replacing it with Russia Today, who we’ve formed an alliance with thanks to Nigel’s friendship with that admirable Mr Putin.”
[Cuts back to the front door of No 10, where carnage is still occurring. Nigel Farage has climbed onto the roof of his new mansion, dressed in a Superman costume, complete with cape and brandishing this morning’s copy of the Express, which he has crafted into a model of a hang glider]
Farage: “This is what we’ll be spending our money on from now - planes and WMDs for the little people that put the 'great' into Great Britain!”
Out of nowhere, a willowy figure pushes through the press pack. Enter Godfrey Bloom [Mel Gibson].
Bloom: “I’ve just got a cab from central London and, on my way, saw at least three women wearing trousers! It’s bongo bongo land gone crazy!”