#5 The Reshuffle

“I don’t see what all the fuss is about. The Chief Whip’s role is redundant under the more democratic new politics.”


“Exactly. Speaking of — this boundary review can’t come soon enough. At least the Tories are good for something eh!”


We were discussing the reshuffle which was a shame as I wanted to discuss Woolfe getting slapped. JC had taken the morning off so we expected him at any moment — something about a Jimmy Reid lecture getting out of hand and him and John the Baptist (Shadow Minister for Socialism with an iPad and Redistribution of Wealth) missing the last Glasgow train back to London.


“The PPP won’t be happy that we’re not electing the shadow cabinet.” Kate continued. “We’re going to have to reach out more.”


“Well when the PPP” — Sean spat a bit — “admit that they need to follow the mandate of their Constituents and adhere to democracy we can start reaching out.”


“But how do we know they don’t follow the mandate of their constituents?” I asked, confused.


“He means their Constituency Labour Parties” whispered Kate to me. “You know because they have the more powerful mandate.”


I can never tell when she is kidding.


“I’m sure Diane and Shami are pleased. And they say we don’t repay loyalty!”


“Yes well I’m sure Clive is delighted he is now in charge of industry seeing as he seems to be such a fan of building things.” I cheerfully added. My colleagues were suddenly focused intently on a piece of orange peel on the coffee table — but then JC does hate waste.


“They’ll come running back, you’ll see. They just need a little more time.” That was our new press guy snapping the team out of their deep strategic thoughts.


It’s quite a story in fact. I had sent a journalist — well journalist from The Canary — to party conference to act as a mole and was so impressed with their findings that I recruited them to the team. Kate then reminded me that I had no business recruiting anyone so we decided to take them on as a “volunteer” instead, in return for everyone in the leader of the opposition’s office making a donation to The Canary.


I had donated £102.20 which The Canary claims is an 8 a-day smoking habit (look it up if you don’t believe me). Seems pretty steep but then most journalists smoke crack I suppose.


I ended up taking up an 8 a-day crack habit just to get some kind of relief from the horror of reading it. I got Sean involved too — in the crack habit not The Canary membership — it’s good preparation for his imminent return to The Guardian.


The Canary guy was alright though so he stayed on. Apart from when he said “I still think the moment things started going wrong was that anti-immigration mug.”


I thought John was going to spontaneously combust. But then again, I think that’s just his usual face.




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