#11 It’s CLP AGM season!

18 Nov 2016


We’re facing electoral wipe-out.


I was woken in the middle of the night by John Lansbury asking me to make an urgent trip to Hampstead Constituency Labour Party (CLP) meeting who were holding it’s AGM.


I’d already had a long week, attempting a war book on why Keir Starmer doesn’t need anymore staff. It’s harder than it sounds, particularly when he keeps coming to the Norman Shaw wing to annoy me with his carefully constructed, over-prepared arguments. One can only assume he’s on performance-enhancing drugs.


So I wasn’t too happy about it. I had hoped that upon joining the leader’s office, my days of cutting up Labour First membership cards and filling branch meetings with members of my extended family were behind me — but alas, this was not to be the case.


Despite every branch across Hampstead nominating pro-JC unity candidates, it looked like the repressive bureaucrats and members of the bourgeois salariat (ie the local MP) were looking to subvert democracy.


Which was a shame, as last week’s south west east branch meeting — which all of four people attended — was an overwhelming vote for JC. No sorry, I mean was an overwhelming vote for democracy. No, unity. Oh I forget which one. But then who needs tight messaging?

Sure, the majority in attendance had been fellow residents of my grandmother’s, from the Not long to go now! care home in Bromley (I had them temporarily moved to Hampstead for the duration of the campaign.) But the people had spoken.


Or so we thought. Because it turns out that these votes were being completely ignored and it looked like Hampstead CLP were going to hold an all-member meeting tonight and worse still — allow members to vote by secret ballot for whoever they choose!


I just can’t understand why certain party comrades feel the need to run on factional slates. It hardly promotes party unity.


And so I was tasked with printing campaign leaflets for the meeting tonight, carefully listing all the “unity” candidates. I have to admit there were a few gaps — people on our slate keep getting suspended for “anti-semitism”.


I also managed a whole section on how their local MP, elected in 2015, was in fact a red Tory who voted for Iraq and tuition fees, and opposes re-nationalisation of the NHS.


Lucky I can pull a Farage and misappropriate EU funds for the printing costs, hashtag Lexit. Apparently I have to put the Momentum logo on them too but now that’s fucked, I’m going to pretend I didn’t get the momentu-memo.


Back not forward! Onwards to principled defeat!




Read more of the satirical diaries









Share on Facebook
Share on Twitter
Please reload

Want to respond? Submit an article.


We provide a space for reasoned arguments and constructive disagreements.

Help to improve the quality of political debate – support our work today.