Recent polling has shown that much-loved comic and favourite sweary uncle Billy Connolly is the current favourite to succeed Kezia Dugdale, the latest in a long line of Scottish Labour leaders to be sacrificed.
Since Ms Dugdale's resignation, Labour MSPs have queued up to refuse the job, one overheard saying they would rather fling themselves from the Queensferry Crossing than subject themselves to "that kind of Hell."
It is unknown whether or not Mr Connolly will make a bid for the leadership, the comedian dismissing questions from journalists with a simple, yet statesman-like, "fuck off."
The words were initially mistaken to be those of a Scottish Conservative councillor, before it was realised that none of the attending journalists were Catholic.
Scottish Labour is reportedly offering an increased pay check to whomever is unlucky enough to win the leadership, after complaints that such humiliation deserves a greater salary.