Boris repeats £350m pledge to reassure voters he is still an idiot

16 Sep 2017

 

Secretary of State for Cock-ups Boris Johnson has today repeated his favourite lie, that £350m will be made available for the NHS post-Brexit.

 

The former mayor and current national embarrassment recommitted to the promise in a Telegraph article, reportedly handed to the paper's editor written in crayon.

 

It has been claimed that Mr Johnson planned for the article to written on the side of a red bus, but it was discovered that the vehicle had already been hired out by Jeremy Corbyn for his country-wide 'Pretend I Won' tour.

 

Mr Johnson's piece for The Telegraph, simply titled 'Everything is fine', also includes a ten-point plan for success. Aides have admitted to inadvertently confusing the definitions of 'success' and 'disaster'. The Foreign Secretary refused to accept blame, demonstrating much-awaited consistency.

 

One of Mr Johnson's key points for success involves a vaguely detailed plot to "stick it to the frogs."

 

When asked if he really would "stick it" to French counterparts whilst so woefully unprepared, the top Tory said "Don't worry. That's never stopped me before."

 

Labour have condemned Mr Johnson, saying in a statement that to deceive the disenchanted with unaffordable promises based on poor economics is unforgivable.

A Fake News article (yes, you've got it, this isn't real news) brought to you by Backbench.

 

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