U.S President and Jabba the Hutt lookalike Donald Trump said today that to blink during the singing of the American national anthem is "deeply offensive."
Mr Trump made his feelings known after a London NFL match, before which some players slighted their country by daring to protest totally made up incidents of police brutality.
The Demagogue-in-Chief also added that he saw kneeling, sneezing and scratching an elbow as disrespectful gestures.
The comments were to be included in an upcoming White House press briefing, but were instead posted on Twitter in fear of Mr Trump appearing too professional.
All NFL players should behave "appropriately", the President demanded, before snorting like a pig behind the back of an overweight female staffer.
Mr Trump's supporters have defended his remarks, one man suggesting "if these blacks took to running instead of kneeling, they might not get shot so much."
Critics later released images of the President kneeling, but it is now understood that Mr Trump was in fact being weighed down by his own bigotry.
A Fake News article (yes, you've got it, this isn't real news) brought to you by Backbench.
Subscribe to our weekly briefing.