Exclusive: Plotter Shapps' list discovered by Backbench team

6 Oct 2017

Backbench can exclusively reveal it has obtained the list belonging to Grant Shapps which he claims contains the names of the Tory MPs seeking to oust Theresa May.

 

The discovery comes just days after the end of the Conservative Party Conference, during which dispirited anti-May MPs concluded that a mild chest infection rendered her unfit to be Prime Minister and First Lord of the Treasury.

 

‘If you think about it,’ said one party member who asked to remain anonymous, ‘Margaret Thatcher was brought down not by the Poll Tax but by that tonsillitis she caught in November 1990, which made her irritable and caused her to lash out at her cabinet colleagues.’

 

‘And Iain Duncan Smith was removed after it was revealed he had inflammation of the foreskin.’

 

Backbench editor Megan McGowan made the discovery, after breaking into Shapps’ Oxfordshire home having mistaken it for one of George Osborne’s.

 

The list, sealed in a damp-ridden basement, was made of crumpled brown parchment and was written in what is believed to be the blood of a member of the undeserving poor.

 

Names on the list included a ‘Mr. A Snrub,’ ‘Doris Kingston,’ ‘Gordon Bennett,’ and the former Environment Minister and Tory peer, Lord Elpus Hall.

 

The Prime Minister dismissed the calls for a leadership challenge, saying that she was continuing to provide ‘calm leadership,’ after emerging from a Stress and Anxiety Help Centre in her constituency on Thursday.

 

Mrs May also visited her GP about her cough on Friday morning. According to sources the doctor said it would clear within five to ten days, and that her premiership would be over in six months.

A  ake News article (yes, you've got it, this isn't real news) brought to you by Backbench.

 

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