Confusion part of new politics, Corbyn defends

10 Oct 2017

 

Labour leader and new Messiah Jeremy Corbyn has today dismissed accusations of confusion by stating that the bewildering of voters is intrinsic to his dream of a 'new politics.'

 

The declaration came after the party once more came under fire for its multiple positions on Brexit, shadow cabinet members apparently conflating their manifesto with the Kama Sutra.

 

Mr Corbyn claimed the confusion he had caused is deliberate, and vital the creation of "kinder, gentler politics" in Britain. Speaking to guarded journalists, the cult leader admitted Labour had "failed on kindness", and so would add a degree of indecision to compensate.

 

"Confusion is something experienced often by most Brits" Corbyn added, "For example, we can feel confusion when choosing a pasty in Greggs, or when deciding whether or not we should side with the IRA."

 

When it was pointed out that Brexit was a great deal more important than Greggs pasties, the surrounding press pack were promptly surrounded by Momentum activists shouting "Oh, Jeremy Corbyn."

 

Brexit Secretary David Davis mocked Mr Corbyn, and spoke of his disapproval, saying "It is time Labour came together."

 

Labour spokesmen were quick to point out that the party was very much united on how terrible a job he was doing.

 

Journalists seized the opportunity to ask the Brexit Secretary about the progression of his negotiations with Brussels, but before any answers could be heard Mr Davis disappeared in what witnesses described as a "puff of smoke."

 

Happily, it was reported, the puff of smoke was at least of greater substance than Theresa May's last conference speech.

ake News article (yes, you've got it, this isn't real news) brought to you by Backbench.

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