Downing Street has announced that Cronus the Tarantula will replace owner Gavin Williamson as Chief Whip, in a move likely to terrify MPs.
The appointment was made after Theresa May, allegedly Prime Minister, named Mr Williamson Secretary of State for Defence, the position left vacant after Sir Michael Fallon resigned on Wednesday.
It is believed Mr Williamson had a hand in his predecessor's downfall, but Downing Street sources have since assured journalists that no physical contact actually occurred.
Cronus the Tarantula has not commented on his own promotion, but allies have been quick to praise him.
"Never have I seen MPs run so quickly towards the Commons chamber" remarked one man, "He's really united the place."
Some brave MPs have welcomed Mr Cronus to his new job. "He might know about the affairs I've had" said one gleeful Foreign Secretary, "But at least he won't be able to leak them to the press."
Other parliamentarians have already expressed concern.
"Cronus' appointment is most unhelpful" one Conservative backbencher commented, "The Prime Minister should have appointed a good old British house spider."
"Cleaning will become a nightmare" another added, "All those bloody cobwebs everywhere. I'll have to start paying my cleaner more."
One unnamed MP was particularly annoyed. "My assistant is so scared of Cronus that she now refuses to come into work" he exclaimed, "I haven't been able to grope her for days."
Senior Conservatives have promised Mr Cronus he will "go far" within the party, provided he "keeps his eight legs to himself."
In unrelated news, Labour HQ are now advertising for a type of wasp commonly referred to as the 'tarantula hawk.'
A Fake News article (yes, you've got it, this isn't real news) brought to you by Backbench.
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