Chancellor gives nation much-needed break by sending it to sleep

22 Nov 2017

 

Brits have reacted warmly to this year's Budget, delivered earlier today by Chancellor Philip Hammond, as it sent them straight to sleep.

 

Mr Hammond, famed spreadsheet admirer, revealed his economic plan to a large audience, most of whom found themselves snoring within minutes.

 

"Best bit of the year" said one man on Twitter, "I work three jobs, so I don't always get the rest I need. Thank you, Mr Hammond."

 

"It's family tradition now" another commented, "We've been falling asleep to budgets since Howe. It's what makes Britain great."

 

It has been suggested that Mr Hammond be made available as a sedative on the NHS, but some fear that staff would use it in defiance of Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt's 'seven day NHS' scheme.

 

Theresa May, supposedly Prime Minister, has backed the proposal as it it would save her the trouble of actually sacking someone.

 

Some of that Mr Hammond announced has excited voters, in particular the freeze on alcohol duty and the abolition of stamp duty for first-time buyers.

 

"I'm absolutely ecstatic" one millenial told Backbench, "This will save me so much money."

 

The woman soon burst into tears, however, when she remembered she could not afford to buy a house in the first place.

 

Some young people were less enthusiastic 

 

"I'm glad that, as a thirty-year old, I am now entitled to a railcard" one man remarked, "But it just means I'm paying less for trains that will inevitably be delayed on Southern Rail."

 

(Editor's note: Backbench apologises for reminding readers of Southern Rail's existence.)

 

Much media attention has been focused on Mr Hammond's announcement that £3bn will be set aside for Brexit.

 

Leading Brexiteers have rushed to defend the decision, one seeking to reassure the public by barking the word 'sovereignty' repeatedly.

 

One anonymous Foreign Secretary commented "It makes perfect sense for us to use the £350 million we're saving thanks to Brexit on alleviating the damage caused by Brexit."

 

The Telegraph soon chipped in to reaffirm that any one who thought otherwise was a mutineer.

 

Glastonbury headliner Jeremy Corbyn criticised the budget for its neglect of the working classes.

 

"It is time the government recognised the extent of the damage they are doing to the people in their pusuit of a hard Brexit" the Labour leader spoke, "Now you must excuse me, I've a hard Brexit to vote for."

 

The Liberal Democrats apparently said something, but Backbench has yet to realise what it was.

A Fake News article (yes, you've got, this isn't real news) brought to you by Backbench.

 

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