Father Christmas to cancel UK visit over Brexit fears

7 Dec 2017

 

Plans for Father Christmas to visit Britain on the 25th have been cancelled, the North Pole has confirmed.

 

The announcement follows reports of anxiety amongst many in Mr Christmas' workshop about the UK's attitude to foreign visitors following last year's decision to leave the European Union.

 

Allies of the Saint have also shared their reluctance to visit the house of Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson, after he called the elves "pointy-eared pipsqueaks."

 

Further offence was caused when Brexit Secretary David Davis threatened to halt all candy cane exports to the North Pole if they did not cooperate with the UK during vital negotiations with Brussels.

 

Whitehall has since reassured critics that Mr Davis is aware the North Pole is not a member of the European Union.

 

Downing Street has expressed its sadness over the cancellation, Prime Minister Theresa May writing to Mr Claus to urge him to reconsider.

 

Mrs May has not yet received a reply, however, as she first addressed the letter to the South Pole.

 

Glastonbury headliner Jeremy Corbyn offered his sympathy to Mr Christmas, saying in a statement "this is further proof that this government has lost all compassion."

 

The statement was later retracted after the Labour leader's office was told of Christmas' plans to visit Israel.

 

European Union officials have offered to accommodate the Mr Claus on the 25th, chief negotiator Michel Barnier already setting out a mince pie in preparation for his arrival.

 

The mince pie is said to be worth £50bn.

 

Milk will be offered to Mr Christmas instead of sherry amid fears that Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker will "get to it first."

 

The Liberal Democrats have reached out to Father Christmas in solidarity, but North Pole staff have refused their assistance as they "do not respond to fictional beings."

A Fake News article (yes, you've got it, this isn't real news) brought to you by Backbench.

 

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