Backbench says: Give Farage a Knighthood

30 Dec 2017

Intelligent. Principled. Honourable. Everything a knight of the realm ought to be.


But that is enough about Nick Clegg.


With the announcement of this year's New Year's Honours comes confirmation of just how far the sordid influence of the Remoaner establishment extends.


Once again Nigel Farage, a man so brilliant the electorate deemed him too good for parliament a record seven times, has been deprived of the knighthood he so clearly deserves.


At the end of an eventful year, Britain can look back proudly on rising hate crime statistics and worsening economic forecasts. Whether you're a white business owner or a working class Muslim, we're all suffering. And that's what Brexit is all about. Bringing the country together.


Farage understands these things. So in tune is he with the political inclinations of decent Brits he blessed two foreign campaigns with his golden Christian message this year, first visiting Germany's AfD, then the GOP's Roy Moore.


(Backbench's sources confirm that the AfD is not in any way racist, nor is Roy Moore a homophobic sexual predator.)


What can be said of Nigel Farage that he hasn't already said himself?


Such is his hankering for a honour, he was knighted by a small child on Russia Today last year.


Backbench firmly believes no child should ever be forced into the company of Nigel Farage ever again, so we urge the British establishment to give him what he so dearly desires.


In Britain we have a proud tradition of rewarding the hard-working, the strong and the brave. Those who have overcome considerable obstacles and persevered during trying times.


However, David Cameron gave his wife's stylist an OBE not so long ago, so we're not sure any of that matters now.


We at Backbench are not alone in our support of Mr Farage. One only has to turn to the world's brightest and best to understand how far appreciation for the man has spread. Indeed, his most ardent admirers include good hombre Donald Trump and Marine 'At least I'm not as bad as my Dad' Le Pen.


And if you can't trust fascists, who can you trust?


Farage is sometimes compared to Kenneth Grahame's Wind in the Willows character Mr Toad. We that that an unfair comparison. They may be of the same slimy, narcissistic cloth but Nigel Farage hasn't been arrested any where near as many times as Mr Toad.


If nothing else, Farage deserves praise for driving UKIP, which presumably stands for Uguana Kindness International Partnership, into total obscurity.


UKIP's breathtaking implosion into nothingness has been to the great detriment of satirists, and we at Backbench are more than happy to see those snarky bastards suffer.

So ends another year of hideous elitism. The French-loving, baguette-eating wimps that are the political class snub a desperate man once more. Christmas may be at its end, but surely the old principle of aiding the unfortunate should not end with it?


A knighthood would not allow Nigel Farage to escape the indescribable poverty of living with a £70k pension or £4m London townhouse, but it will put a smile on his sweet, shriveled face.

This is a Fake News editorial (yes, you've got it, this isn't real news) brought to you by Backbench.


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