Dictator and part-time swimwear model Kim Jong-un has apologised for the lack of New Years celebrations in North Korea, and has today promised a "killer" fireworks display to make up for it.
The Surpreme Leader said the display would be an "explosive" spectacular sure to "knock everyone dead."
Despite cynicism from critics, North Korea claim their arsenal of fireworks is "extensive", state media insisting the country has more than a single sparkler.
Plans show that the firework display will end with a stunning series of explosions over mainland America.
Kim Jong-un promised, with a typically sweet smile, that the US had nothing to fear.
Donald Trump, Manchild-in-Chief responded to the news via Twitter:
"I too have a fireworks button, but it is a much bigger and more powerful one than his" the President said, "And my button works!"
Mr Trump initially tweeted the words "fight me, Rocket Man, you big fatty" at around 2am yesterday, but the tweet has since been deleted.
The White House later released a statement announcing the President would unveil his own belated New Years celebration, one that would wow crowds "bigly."
Trump hastily added that his fireworks were "much better than Crooked Hillary's."
Backbench reached out to the Prime Minister for comment, but, when it was realised Britain doesn't have one, Theresa May was asked instead.
Mrs May was unable to respond, according to Downing Street, as she was far too busy cowering in a corner.
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn condemned both sides, vowing to end the senseless use of fireworks and bring about peace.
His Office later confirmed, however, that Mr Corbyn would not object to promoting the fireworks displays of his preferred dictatorships "if the money was right."
A Fake News article (yes, you've got it, this isn't real news) brought to you by Backbench.
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