Boris designs bridge connecting Britain to home planet

21 Jan 2018

Foreign Secretary and ambitious mop Boris Johnson has today published plans for a bridge connecting the UK to the planet he comes from.

 

The announcement comes after initial proposals for a bridge between France and England were dismissed as absurd.

 

Mr Johnson was unable to secure support for the idea from the Prime Minister, as Britain doesn't currently have one.

 

The blonde bombshell's home planet has never been officially identified, but warnings have already been issued about its inhabitants.

 

A figure close to the government said "whilst it would be terribly exciting to form Britain's first cross-planet friendship, but we don't want to be overrun by more useless Foreign Secretaries."

 

Nigel Farage, an angry man with opinions, claimed the bridge would lead to the UK being flooded with illegal aliens.

 

He quietened down, however, when he was told the creatures of Boris' planet were white and enjoyed beer.

 

Mr Johnson's other masterplans include demolishing the city of Birmingham and force-feeding scones to the poor.

 

Boris has already been incredibly successful in his campaign to appoint more adulterous, disgraced former journalists to prominent Cabinet positions.

 

"Now we're free of the European Union, we need to find new allies" the Foreign Secretary told Backbench, "What better way to improve British trade than a bridge connecting us to our near neighbours?"

 

When asked if membership of the European single market was a means by which to improve British trade, Mr Johnson mumbled "don't be silly."

 

The Labour Party has since responded by assuming seven different positions on the proposal.

 

In an interview addressing the prospect of a interplanetary bridge, Tim Farron claimed he was an avid believer in aliens.

 

However, he later distanced himself from the remark and stated his faith made it impossible for him to believe in aliens.

 

The interview ended before Mr Farron could mention gay sex.

 

President Trump is said to have been inspired by Boris' bridge proposal, with congressional Republicans due to publish plans for a wall between the US and the rest of the solar system.

A Fake News article (yes, you've got it, this isn't real news) brought to you by Backbench.

 

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