Sherlock Holmes recruited to uncover mystery of Labour Brexit policy

26 Feb 2018

World famous sleuth Sherlock Holmes has been hired to investigate the ever-deepening mystery that is Labour's policy on Brexit.

 

Holmes, most recently depicted by British actor Bendywick Cabbagepatch, will seek to uncover the truth behind the party's confusing stance on the subject.

 

It is not clear who recruited the private detective, but Momentum has already thrown a brick through the window of Chuka Umunna for good measure.

 

Jeremy Corbyn interrupted the recording of his new grime album to take to Twitter, writing "I welcome Sherlock Holmes' enquiries, and will cooperate fully."

 

It is presumed that Mr Corbyn will offer Holmes a peerage if he fudges the investigation.

 

When it was posed that Mr Holmes is in fact a fictional character, the Labour leader laughed "that's like saying I'm not Prime Minister."

 

When approached for comment, Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell insisted he had "no problem" with the detective, but admitted he might have called for his lynching at some point.

 

Labour's refusal to clearly set out its policy on Brexit has provoked considerable conflict among grassroots members.

 

Backbench reached out to several activists for their reflections on the crisis, but were told they were otherwise engaged swarming a Jacob Rees-Mogg event.

 

The Conservatives mocked the hiring of Holmes as a "ridiculous use of money."

 

The party has since poured donations into employing people to tweet on their behalf*

 

Mrs May justified the decision by declaring that it was "wholly un-Conservative" for people to troll for nothing, adding "aspiration is important."

 

Backbench asked representatives of actor Butterscotch Crumpetnut for his thoughts on his character's new adventure, but were promptly told that Mr Crumpetnut was too busy giving twelve year old Tumblr users heart attacks.

*I wish I'd invented that, I really do.

 

A Fake News article (yes, you've got it, this isn't real news) brought to you by Backbench.

 

Subscribe to our weekly briefing.

Share on Facebook
Share on Twitter
Please reload

Want to respond? Submit an article.

SUPPORT BACKBENCH

We provide a space for reasoned arguments and constructive disagreements.

Help to improve the quality of political debate – support our work today.