“I didn’t die for this s**t,” says Jesus

3 Apr 2018

Jesus Christ has expressed his dismay at the state of the world.


In an interview with Backbench, his first since announcing his resurrection tour, the Son of God released pent up frustrations about the "shoddy" standard of leadership in the West and beyond.


"Brexit, Trump, North Korea," the saviour lamented, "I didn't die for this shit."


When asked how he planned to respond to aforementioned crises, Mr Christ told us he would request his future captors cut his ears off first so he "wouldn't have to hear that daft American tangerine" ever again.


"This sort of thing never happened in my Dad's day" Mr Christ continued, "The worst he'd do is send a great flood to kill you all."


The Lord assured Backbench that no such flood would happen again, but also remarked that Piers Morgan shouldn't be allowed on the Ark if it did.


We pondered whether Mr Christ's father, a regular on BBC's Songs of Praise, would consider intervening to spare humanity the horrors of Trump and Kim Jong-Un.


"Dad's not so big on intervention these days" Mr Christ said, "He's not forgiven you all for Love Island yet."


The Lamb of God stressed that his resurrection tour would be open to people of all backgrounds, reiterating "so long as you don't say my beard looks stupid, I don't care."


"Security will be a bit tight. Last time, Richard Dawkins got in and started flinging dinosaur bones at me."


He also pointed out that refreshments would be provided to attendees, and that a vegan menu was available if fans didn't want fish with their loaves.


Jesus had quite a bit to say on the creation of the internet and the rise of social media.


"Last week some troll called 'BrexitNige93' told me he'd rather jump onto railway tracks than listen to my sermons, and that I should delete my account" Mr Christ sighed, "At least Pilate refrained from calling me a sandal-wearing nonce."


The Holy Saviour refused to disclose his Twitter handle to Backbench for fear of his mum finding out he has an account.


Asked if he was pleased to have returned to Earth, Jesus shrugged.


"I'm considering jacking it in and going back upstairs, if I'm honest. We have better wi-fi."

In next week's Backbench, the Prophet Muhammad invites us in to share his favourite guacamole recipe.


A Fake News article (yes, you've got it, this isn't real news) brought to you by Backbench.


Subscribe to our weekly briefing.


Share on Facebook
Share on Twitter
Please reload

Want to respond? Submit an article.


We provide a space for reasoned arguments and constructive disagreements.

Help to improve the quality of political debate – support our work today.