Elon Musk questioned over claims he is a vampire

24 May 2018

Tesla CEO and Lord of the Undead, Elon Musk has this week come under criticism that he is indeed responsible for the deaths of many Tesla employees, in a way few imagined, but many feared.


Charges levelled by many reputable media institutions say that Musk, divorced, is in fact a vampire who has been operating unseen for centuries.
 

Workers at one of the factories in Illinois told Backbench:


“He’s a great boss. Sure a few of us go missing now and again, and I’m pretty sure I saw him feasting on the remains of Steve from HR last week, but I think that’s just the dynamic of the modern work-place, it’s a dog eat dog world.


“Elon’s style of management is certainly ‘hands on’ by which I mean, ‘hands on their throat till they stop moving’”


Musk, whose name sounds like a quickly discounted title for Hugo Boss’ latest aftershave, recently came under fire from media outlets after allegations that he refuses to allow his workers to join a union.


In a statement, Musk denied this, saying: 


“I’m absolutely fine with my workers unionising. If they think that they have safety in numbers, then they have another thing coming. I find it easier to hunt my prey in packs.”
 

The recent allegations have caused some to doubt the benevolence of the multi-billion dollar businessman.


However close friends were quick to reassure the public. One source who has known Musk since childhood said:


“Elon is like a brother to me. He may well be a bit dead behind the eyes and has all the warmth of the slow embrace of death, but he’s actually a really nice guy. He recycles, bad people don’t recycle, and that is a fact.


Expert in the occult, Dr Selma Pooky, said: “Musk has been on our radar since about 1874. This is yet another example of a vampire-management placement. Working until an ungodly hour, a red tinge to the eyes, the power of flight, it’s a classic case.


“This is very common among the leaders of big business, most international companies have some form of undead infestation these days. Feasting off the proletariat is something which is not a metaphor for many vamp-boss corporate structures.”

A Fake News article (yes, you've got it, this isn't real news) brought to you by Backbench.

 

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