National holiday declared as train arrives on time

6 Jun 2018

 The government has declared a national holiday after a Northern Rail train arrived on time.

 

The service from Preston made it to Blackpool within fifteen seconds of the scheduled time, sparking huge celebrations throughout the region.

 

The Queen is to give a congratulatory address to the nation on the six o'clock news, where she will also announce the production of commemorative coins by the Royal Mint.

 

The news of Northern Rail's shocking unexpected punctuality has been met with some mockery by Londoners, TFL tweeting all Northern mayors a series of 'cry laugh' emojis.

 

Some did share in their neighbours' joy.

 

"I admire their patience" said one commuter, "I've thrown three people onto the tracks so far, and my train is only two minutes late."

 

"At least they've got fresh air on those Northern platforms" added another, "I got lost in Bond Street six months ago. I have only second-rate buskers for company now."

 

Backbench has reached out to Transport Secretary Chris Grayling for a response. We remain hopeful he won't actually want to speak to us.

 

As an acknowledgement of the train's timeliness, the Labour Party released a statement proclaiming "another fine victory" against Zionism.

 

In other transport news, Boris Johnson has made good on his promise to lie before bulldozers working on the newly-approved third runway for Heathrow.

 

Mr Johnson cut his protest short, however, after discovering the CEO of Caterpillar Inc. is a foreigner.

 

He has since confirmed his intentions to "recreate the effect" within the comfort of his constituency by having Sir Eric Pickles roll over him repeatedly.

This is a Fake News article (yes, you've got it, this isn't real news) brought to you by Backbench.

 

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(Just kidding, we're not miracle workers)

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