Pillock of the Week: Christopher Chope

17 Jun 2018

The inaugural Pillock of the Week award goes to Christopher Chope, Tory MP for Christchurch and (barely) living anachronism.


Maintenance workers in the Palace of Westminster may worry a gargoyle has escaped its perch, as one particularly hideous specimen appeared in the House of Commons this week blocking a horrid thing called progress.


Chris, whose ancestors surely added that 'c' to their surname for fear of being misleading, objected to a private member's bill that would make 'upskirting' a criminal offence, presumably because it would do too much good.


The objection, a product of bizarre debating rules on private member's bills, has forced the delay. On this Chope has form, consistently blocking private member's bills for their supposed lack of scrutiny. From this we can safely assume the 47 he has sponsored so far are complete rubbish.


We're sure his reasons are noble. Why else would Theresa May nominate him for a knighthood in the New Year's Honours?


Even gallant knights can be subject to protest.


One woman hit back at his behaviour by hanging some rather wonderful knicker-themed bunting outside the prolific dotard's constituency office. It's doubtful Mr Chope will take any interest, of course, as said knickers are not attached to women intent on preserving their privacy.


It should be stressed that objecting to the criminalisation of upskirting is not the only pants opinion Chope has expressed over the years.


Fans of Conservative demagogues who find Jacob Rees-Mogg just a little too modern may like to have a trawl through the dinosaur's voting record.


Climate change? Bollocks.


Pardoning Alan Turing, whose cracking of the German Enigma code is estimated to have save tens of millions? Not on your nelly.


Same-sex marriage? Awful idea.


Dash any hopes you had of the not-so-fair knight sparing animals in his crusade of bigotry.


Sir Chris is also okay with the use of animals in circuses, and recently blocked the passing of Finn's law, which would make attacks on police horses and dogs a specific criminal offence.


Not screwing your brow disapprovingly yet? Might it be added that he's also a friend of Philip Davies, infamous male snowflake and assumed owner of a 'You can't spell 'woman' without 'man'!!" badge.


They'd make the perfect couple, were they not so frightened of contracting homosexuality.


A history fan? Here's a morsel for you:


While a Parliamentary Under Secretary at Environment in the late 80s, he helped to steer through the Poll Tax.


Perhaps remind the walking throwback of those golden days by camping outside his home and yelling 'Maggie! Maggie! Maggie! Out! Out! Out!' for a few hours. By all means change 'Maggie' to 'May' for a similar effect.


Chris himself is a fan of camping.


Why else would he camp outside Westminster for four days? Oh, that's right, in support of such heartwarming policies as the reintroduction of the death penalty and a ban on the burka. For extra fun, Chope and his pals did away with the toasting of marshmallows and instead proposed the stripping of rights from Romanians.


Sounds like a terribly fun way to spend an evening. Still, anything's better than watching Love Island.


The Tory is at least inclusive in his backwardness. He might be as archaic as parliament's central heating system, but he would at least his satisfy diversity quotas with such a broad palette of prejudice.


And so we conclude our reasoning for the granting of our new award.


It was previously decided that a vote would determine the winner, but we feared Chris would filibuster that too.


It is for this reason that Backbench is honoured to name Christopher Chope our Pillock of the Week (patent pending).



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(Backbench makes no guarantee poll will not be rigged by Russia.)


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