A scheduled empathy implant for Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has been postponed due to the stress he has inflicted on the NHS.
The delay comes after another of Mr Hunt's surgeries, much needed to remedy his lack of a heart, was cancelled.
Doctors at the Health Secretary's local hospital have apologised, expressing their disappointment at not being able to kick him between the legs while on the operating table.
The hospital has been near bursting point for months, largely due to poor funding.
Despite considerable budget cuts, a spokesman assured Mr Hunt he would have been treated to their "finest corridor", with a minimal number of near-dead OAPs for company.
Downing Street has assured the public the Health Secretary will continue his duties without the empathy implant, exactly as he has done since his appointment.
The statement was promptly followed by scenes of terror across Britain.
"I've got a hip replacement scheduled in July" wailed one distraught voter, "I'd rather not undergo surgery on a car park again."
Mr Hunt is not the only senior Conservative figure to find themselves against medical officials of late.
Prime Minister Theresa May has been criticised by staff for failing to turn up to appointments.
"She can't keep telling Amber Rudd to stand in for her" one nurse complained.
Mrs May recently promised extra funding for the NHS, claiming an emergency injection of cash would be sought from a so-called 'Brexit dividend', money saved as a result of our separation from the European Union.
In other news, pigs have started to fly.
A Fake News article (yes, you've got it, this isn't real news) brought to you by Backbench.
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