Pillock of the Week: The Trump Administration

24 Jun 2018

An early contender for Pillock of the Year, this week’s award goes to the collective arseholery of the Trump Administration.

 

Mahatma Gandhi once said “The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated”. Seems a decent rubric. An alternative, of course, is looking at how a country treats its migrant children.

 

The conclusion to such a test is obvious. The true path to greatness is separating the little buggers from their families and locking them away.

 

Recent revelations of this practice at the US-Mexican border have taken a top spot in the 2018 Stakes of Evil. To think we were foolish enough to put ten quid on Putin.

 

President Trump should watch he doesn’t put his back out. Stooping so low isn’t healthy at his age.

 

Exercising a democratic mandate to spew xenophobic sentiments against immigrants is one thing. Sending their children to 'tender age' shelters that would make even Bear Grylls blub is another.

 

Some estimate as many as 2,000 small children remain incarcerated. You'll have to sing the Star-Spangled Banner pretty damn loud if you want to drown out their whinging. What snowflakes!

 

It's worth noting that Mr Trump is not the only dotard you need make a pinata of this weekend. Save enough papier-mâché for Jeff Sessions, Attorney General and right-wing gnome.

 

"We're taking care of these children" he insisted, in much the same way the Dursley family took care of Harry Potter.

 

The comparison isn't totally out of place. After all, Trump was elected with Voldemort as his running mate.

 

Remember to spare a zap of the cruciatus curse for Corey Lewandowski, former Death Eater campaign manager.

 

Upon hearing the case of a ten-year-old girl with Down's Syndrome taken from her mother, he offered the tasteful, well-crafted response "Womp womp"

 

In case you are fortunate enough to be unfamiliar with Lewandowski, he was fired by Trump in June 2016. Womp womp.

 

It was 'womp womp' to Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen this week, too.

 

The poor woman was practically chased from a Mexican restaurant in Washington DC by angry protesters.

 

Imagine the horror of being forced to flee a familiar place because of political turmoil. Let's hope some charitable soul offered her asylum.

 

Press Secretary Sarah Sanders also found herself subject to hostility, the owners of a Virginia restaurant she visited refusing to serve her. Who'd have thought joining an administration as toxic as that Trump leads would make a person so unpopular?

 

If all else fails, Sarah, you'll always have a table at Trump Grill in New York. It's not like anyone else is eating there.

 

Such is the barbarity of tearing migrant families apart, it has united all surviving First Ladies.

 

Among the cross-party ranks attacking the policy is Laura Bush, wife of George (the second one). She penned a brilliant piece in the Washington Post about the President's cruelty, questioning the sanity of the decision.

 

Mrs Bush should be familiar with daft decisions, her choice of husband surely one of them.

 

Even Ted Cruz, the Zodiac Killer himself, took issue with it all.

 

Like any honest politician, Trump did a u-turn as outrage grew and sent forth his top recovery team, largely in the form of Fox News propagandists, to blame everyone accept himself. Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, your local postman.

 

Indeed, may we take this opportunity to apologise for Backbench's part in locking migrant children in cages. We hope you find it in your hearts to forgive us.

 

Come commentators have labelled this last week President Trump's 'Hurricane Katrina moment', as though the last twelve months haven't been a succession of 'Hurricane Katrina moments'. Even after Hurricane Katrina, it took another three years before America was free of the tactless sod who made it worse.

 

Irrespective of whether Trump manages to lie his way to a second term, his reputation (rotting and in the late stages of rigor mortis) has been severely damaged by recent events.

 

It's unlikely he can rely on Melania for comfort. Doubtless she has 'I don't really care, do u?' printed on her pajamas.

 

Nor can the President fall into the arms of his Russian lover (not in a gay way, obviously), who is rather occupied at present trying to rig a World Cup.

 

Still, at least he's making America great again.

 

So, Donald, straighten your red cap, settle down, and lull yourself to sleep with the soothing cries of innocent children.

 

And if the needless suffering of foreigners doesn't soothe you, rest easy in the knowledge that both you and your peers are our Pillock(s) of the Week.

 

Congratulations!

Subscribe to our weekly briefing.

 

Follow us at @Fake_Newsfeed to vote for next week's winner!

 

(Backbench makes no guarantee poll will not be rigged by Russia.)

 

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