David Attenborough is to narrate an upcoming BBC nature documentary called 'Where's Boris?'
The film will track a wild Boris Johnson as he attempts to escape from responsibilities.
Sir David, rightful King of Britain, will follow the brazen creature around the globe.
It is believed Mr Attenborough was selected for the documentary because of his "soothing voice", which producers hope will prevent viewers from throwing things at their televisions.
It was revealed to Backbench that the broadcasting legend will also carry with him a tranquilizer gun.
"It won't be anything too dangerous" an insider said, "David's saving the really strong stuff for Donald Trump"
The film will premier in Uxbridge, Boris' consitituency.
"I'm glad" commented one local resident, "We'll finally be able to find out where he is."
Mr Johnson's wife expressed similar sentiments.
The documentary was made after a mysterious disappearance by Boris on the day of a highly contentious vote on plans for a third runway at Heathrow Airport.
The Foreign Secretary escaped to attend important meetings that absolutely, definitely could not be held at another time.
The meetings took place in Afghanistan, a place of serious conflict.
Backbench was assured of Mr Johnson's safety, the Foreign Office reporting he was not under as much fire as he would be back home.
"I don't know why Boris is being criticised so" said one Tory ally, "He's perfectly within his rights to chicken out of honouring promises."
"Next you'll be telling us we can't filibuster bills for being too progressive" echoed another.
Upon his election, Boris promised to protest the third runway's construction should it go ahead.
Despite some hesitation, it is understood the Foreign Secretary is more than prepared to lie before bulldozers, as he's been doing it before the country for years.
Supporters gathered around the proposed site for the runway, cheering Mr Johnson on.
"I couldn't give a monkeys about the airport" confessed one activist, "I just want to see him get run over."
Environmentalists remain hopeful the human mop will stay true to his word.
Campaigners believe the flattening of Boris will be "beneficial" to the environment, cutting noise pollution levels in London by half.
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