Pillock of the Week: Boris Johnson

1 Jul 2018

This week's award goes to Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, Secretary of State for Lies and General Buffoonery.

 

The Remoaners getting you down? Need an uplifting quote to restore your faith in the seemingly bottomless ball-ache that is Brexit? Here's a fabulous quote you can relay to those whinging children of yours, courtesy of our esteemed Foreign Secretary.

 

"Fuck business."

 

Stitch it on a tea towel.

 

You'd be forgiven for assuming the man is a professional.

 

Only joking, if you still think Boris Johnson is a professional at this point in his botched sitcom of a career you deserve to be laid down before bulldozers.

 

It's doubtful you'll find the grand clown himself lying beside you, certainly if you choose the Heathrow area as your place of much-deserved final rest.

 

He promised his constituents to do as much, should the government approve plans for a third runway at the airport. Alas, in keeping with a Brexit theme, he appears reluctant to deliver.

 

Why else would he bugger off to Afghanistan to avoid a crucial vote on the matter earlier this week?

 

Responsibilities are a horrid bore when at the tender age of 54.

 

Perhaps Boris was merely the victim of an innocent mix up?

 

How many of us can honestly claim to have not confused Westminster with Kabul?

 

Still, let's not fuss over a silly runway. Let's fuss over Brexit instead.

 

"Fuck Brexit" is Boris' latest contribution to the process, his entirely mature response to Airbus joining an ever-growing choir of businesses sceptical about Britain's propsects outside the EU.

 

There we have it, the Foreign Office tested and approved way of dismissing a person's scruples. "Fuck your concerns" might work on your best friend seven pints down. Less so on major businesses, a doubter might surmise.

 

When Boris complained the government lacked "guts" in negotiations, neither flippancy nor vulgarity presented themselves as viable remedies.

 

Perhaps one requires an Eton education to understand such things.

 

It's not the most outrageous thing the Foreign Secretary has said in recent months.

 

He previously insinuated Donald Trump would do a better job of arranging Brexit than Theresa May.

 

Presumably he also thinks being poisoned is preferential to being hung.

 

This would of course be the same Donald Trump Boris confessed to be "increasingly admiring of", as though aiming for a bromance.

 

Johnson could add "Fuck hairdressers" to his big book of phrases. No doubt he could find room under "flag-waving piccaninnies."

 

Boris' creative use of the English language once earned him an award from The Spectator for an offensive poem about Turkey's Recep Erdogan.

 

(Stay tuned next week when the Foreign Secretary recommends President Erdogan for the planning of HS2)

 

To assume the inspiring wordsmith's grasp on English, however, fuck The Spectator's poetry competitions.

 

Boris Johnson is our worthy winner of the considerably more prestigious Pillock of the Week award.

 

Enjoy it, mate. At last, another excuse for your colleagues to whisper "pillock" behind your back.

 

Congratulations!

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Follow us at @Fake_Newsfeed to vote for next week's winner!

 

(Backbench makes no guarantee poll will not be rigged by Russia.)

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