Pillock of the Week: Donald Trump

15 Jul 2018

In a his week's award goes to unskilled foreigner Donald Trump.

 

Let's begin with a quick joke.

 

What did the tangerine say to the robot?

 

"Sue Brussels"

 

Side-splitting.

 

The bigger joke, of course, would be Donald Trump's barely-working visit to the UK this week, a trip that produced more questions than its tiny orange hands could grasp.

 

Why travel 3,000 miles to insult a country, when you could do so via Twitter from the comfort of your golf course?

 

Why lambaste your predecessor for meddling in the Brexit debate, only to infer that our current prime minister is crap and you'd like a new one?

 

Is it possible to lawyer your way out every situation?

 

One could question oneself into a vegative state where President Trump is concerned.

 

The man certainly made an impression.

 

Less than twenty-four hours after his arrival, budget loo roll The Sun published an extensive interview between their Political Editor, Tom Newton Dunn, and Trump.

 

You may wonder why the President, ever the purveyor of taste, chose to insult Britain via The Sun. Perhaps he's fond of its proprietor? Meddling demogogues must stick together, after all.

 

Remember when that socialist Muslim Barack Obama warned Britain it would find itself "at the back of the queue" should it vote for Brexit? The audacity.

 

According to Trump, we can crush all dreams of a US-UK trade deal should the manner of our departure from the EU be one he doesn't agree with.

 

Better to be totally out of the queue and shuffling your way back to the car park than being stuck at the very back, right? You can buy that packet of Sensations and settle enormously important Anglo-American trade relations another day.

 

Another of Trump's gems was revealed during this morning, when Theresa May shared the excellent advice Trump had given her.

 

To tackle those insidious bastards at the European Union, she should sue them.

 

Who knew filing lawsuits was such a silver bullet?

 

Sue your local Chinese takeaway for forgetting your spring rolls (Sad!). Sue your lecturer for overrunning by fifteen minutes (Loser). Sue the White House for an assault on your intelligence (Haters).

 

Donald Trump managed to escape to his golf course in Scotland without causing any further offence.

 

Unless you include his disrespectful treatment of the Queen. Which we absolutely do.

 

You may spend your afternoons frothing at the mouth over the existence of the monarchy, or tweet about how you hate Kate Middleton's new hair style.

 

What you wouldn't do, we'd wager, is step in front of Her Majesty, dazed by fantasies of screaming migrant children, and walk on as though she isn't present and, you know, a queen.

 

Trump did. Oopsie.

 

Alas, he was not allowed the opportunity to be rude to our other Royals. According to The Times the rest of the Windsors are very keen on avoiding the man.

 

We're confident the Queen understood the American's ignorance. Just in case, may we offer her a box of matches and plane tickets to Washington DC. 

 

Ah, nostalgia.

 

Still, time to mop up the bile and rein in your novelty Trump-themed balloons.

 

Donald Trump departs Britain now to Helsinki, and into the arms of Vladimir Putin for a diplomatic suck-up.

 

Don't tell Melania. She'll change the locks again.

 

Do tell her of your latest gong! Who needs an Emmy when you hold the prestigious Pillock of the Week award!

 

Congratulations, Mr President!

 

We wish you all the best, and a horrid journey home.

Subscribe to our weekly briefing.

 

Follow us at @Fake_Newsfeed to vote for next week's winner!

 

(Backbench makes no guarantee poll will not be rigged by Russia.)

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