Former Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson has issued an apology after knocking several unconscious with his ego.
The incident occurred while Mr Johnson gave a speech on his totally selfless decision to resign from government.
Medical staff treated a number of fellow MPs for minor injuries.
The Conservative Party suffered several fractures and was taken to a nearby hospital corridor for treatment and light verbal abuse.
Speaking exclusively to Backbench, Mr Johnson promised to control his ego "for the good of the country."
He added that he would not be at all bothered if his commitment to humility bolstered his approval rating among Tory members.
He doesn't dwell on support for his leadership on social media, he claims, as he is far too occupied retweeting compliments from President Trump.
Mr Trump is said to be fond of the parliamentary nonce and feels he "understands" him.
The phrase 'takes one to know one' was discreetly muttered by an unnamed cynic.
Backbench appealed for cross-party reaction on the yesterday's incident in the Commons, but decided against balance to speak to Jacob Rees-Mogg instead.
"Having avoided the attack of Boris' ego, I consider myself lucky" the sentient gargoyle remarked, explaining that by happy coincidence his own acted as a shield.
Mr Rees-Mogg suggested his colleague "smarten up", as narcissism is endearing when cripplingly posh.
He went on to recommend several fine hat makers willing to craft a top hat large enough to contain Mr Johnson's sense of self-importance.
Upon observing the event on Wednesday, Labour non-leader Jeremy Corbyn decried Boris' actions as "indicative of Tory carelessness."
"Such behaviour is appalling" he reflected, "Such violence is unbecoming of an MP."
Mr Corbyn reassured allies that throwing bricks through the windows of Blairites remained acceptable.
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