Bin Laden To Be Cloned And Assassinated In Bid To Reunite U.S.

Thursday, September 20, 2018


A government think tank has proposed that the only way to reunite a divided US is to recreate the 2011 wave of nationwide joy that resulted from the killing of an elderly man in Pakistan.


US President Donald Trump also sees the move as another way to reverse unpopular policies brought on by his predecessor Barack Obama.


The President said “The assassination of Bin Laden was a terrible day for Americans, a bad day, really awful. This clone, which we’re naming Bin Laden 2, will be better, stronger and more of a challenge for the great guys in our exceptional forces”.


If the operation is found to be popular amongst the electorate, Trump plans to personally fistfight another clone as the headlining event at WWE Wrestlemania 35. He’s said to be working on his devastating finishing move, a high kick to the face nicknamed ‘the bone spur’.


On the cloning procedure, a White House spokesperson said “we’re using state of the art submarines to find Osama’s body to get the DNA we need to get the process started. If you’ve seen the new Jurassic World, it’s a bit like that”.


CIA laboratories will implement a course of accelerated ageing to make the clone recognisable to the US public. “We really just need him old enough to be able to grow the beard” one scientist said.


After the procedure is completed, the life and deeds of the infamous terrorist will be explained to the clone. He will then be given 48 hours head start to get as far away from the US as he can. His journey, exploits and presumable death will be filmed by an accompanying camera crew.


On the possibility that the clone could end up actually evading US forces and posing a legitimate threat to the country, Sarah Huckabee Sanders made some funny stuttering noises and began hurriedly whispering into her earpiece.


Fake News article (yep you got us, this isn't real) by Kieran Macfadzean at Backbench


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