The unanimously agreed upon paragon of masculinity: pudgy, privately educated, ITV fop Piers Morgan, has doubled down on detailing his guidelines for how those blessed with a penis should live.
According to a frothing Morgan, not only should babies not be carried in papooses by their fathers, they shouldn’t be carried at all.
Children should immediately be thrown out of the maternity-ward window into the wilderness. Once there, they must learn to fend for themselves by building fires and sharpening sticks into hunting spears.
After they have fully reared themselves to the age of eighteen, they may re-join society and receive a firm handshake from their father who will then allow them to buy him a beer.
“It’s getting away from these grand old traditions that’s resulted in the namby-pamby, softy-wofty, fluffy-wuffy generation we’ve ended up with today” Piers appealed from his comfortable Good Morning Britain sofa.
“Procreation is a job for women and the less men lower themselves to becoming involved with it, the better we’ll retain what it is to be a proper bloke”, he continued.
“That’s why I was barely involved with the birth of my children. I simply worked to pay for the food on the table and my wife’s daily yoga sessions with Pedro and nine months later, our son was born”.
After Piers quietened, Susanna Reid measuredly and half-chirpily moved on to a segment on a headmaster who commutes to school on a pogo stick.
A Fake News article (yep you got us, this isn't real) by Kieran Macfadzean at Backbench
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