Richard Tover, known by his friends as Dick, was a floor worker at the online megastore before taking a job offer he described as a “lifesaver”.
“It’s fantastic opportunity, I can earn up to 60p a day for only 12-hour shifts!” Richard beamed.
He said “when I opened the email confirming I’d got the job, I stood up from the packing I was doing and whooped!... which resulted in a 50% dock in my pay for that week”.
“The person-specifications were really demanding” Richard boasted. “The ideal candidate had to have at least three fingers on each hand and no previous tweets attacking Primark”.
“I’ve got four on both hands and having worked for Amazon for the past few years, I haven’t even had time to tweet!” he happily exclaimed.”
However, Richard did lose his left thumb to hypothermia while typing up customer receipts in the staff break room in 2015. He was awarded compensation in the form of two days unpaid leave.
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful to Amazon for getting me started but I’m 78 years old now so I need something a bit more easy-going till I retire in a couple decades”.
When told that some employees had told Backbench that the labour conditions in their warehouses were less than desireable, Amazon representatives responded by saying “we will thoroughly investigate these concerns and deduct pay from any employee who spent any time at all wasting time talking to the press”.
This has been a Fake News article (yeah, this isn't real) by Kieran Macfadzean.
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