Queen’s Christmas message to be delivered ‘Jonathan Pie style’

12 Dec 2018

 

Her Majesty has reportedly been inspired by the popular comedian/political commentator’s faux-candid demeanour.

 

The broadcast will begin as normal, with the Queen making vague reference to the various difficulties and tragedies the country has endured.

 

She will then absentmindedly trail off, glance to a fictional producer and begin an expletive rant on what she terms “a broken cabinet of useless pissweasles slinking through by the grace of the passive, wet fart of an opposition” the leader of which she describes as “the human incarnation of the pull-out method”.

 

After fiddling for a second with her prop earpiece and expressing her defiance to a non-existent legal team, Her Majesty will continue on to attack “the complete and total shitfest of a balls-up that is Brexit” which she describes as “akin to watching a man attempt to cut off his leg but skewering his arms, face and cock in the progress”.

 

 

Finally, Elizabeth II, while gesturing aggressively at the camera lens with a flatly open hand like an instgram boomerang of a karate chop, will take on the British public.

 

Those she addresses as “the knuckle-dragging shit-for-brains’ selling Britain to Putin by believing and sharing all racism Cambridge Analytica spits at them so they can cower and deflect from the pathetic realities of their own tosspottery” may feel singled out.

 

The Queen realises this though as she apparently doesn’t take a breath as she condemns the “Would-be liberal sages sanctimoniously acting as the font of universal wisdom while simultaneously losing every sodding election they flutter their pitiful flag in”.

 

At the end of this, the Queen will take several deep breaths, readjust her prop earpiece and apologise to her fictional producer. She will then return to inane observations on the strength of the British people for the coming year.

This has been a Fake News article (that's right, this isn't real) by Kieran Macfadzean.

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