Ebetheresa to be visited by the three ghosts of Brexit past, present and future

24 Dec 2018

 

 

According to sources inside Downing Street, the Prime Minister, by the light of her brass candle holder, received a vision last night from her old partner in crime, Amber Rudd.

 

Wrapped in heavy chains, Rudd bemoaned her solemn regret at her actions during the Windrush scandal. For her crimes, she was punished for up to 40 minutes before being given another highly paid government position.

 

Before the sinister apparition departed, it ominously warned of a visitation the Prime Minister will receive over Christmas Eve night. “Three ghosts, Ebetheresa Scrooge, take heed, lest you suffer my fate” she is understood to have bellowed through the walls surrounding Scrooge’s four poster bed.

 

The spectre is said to have shocked the PM such that her night cap fell off.

 

The first visit, from The Ghost of Brexit Past, will take the form of an erectly poised David Cameron.

 

Stood resplendent in his tailored suit and blue EU Remain badge, he will transport Theresa to a time in early June 2016. Through a misted window, she will watch herself dancing happily with George Osborne celebrating Tory unity without a care for the foregone conclusion approaching on the 23rd.

 

“Old Fezziwig!” Ebetheresa will cry out, remembering the nickname they had for Boris Johnson during the good times.

 

Befitting with his character, David Cameron will then completely vanish, leaving Scrooge in the cold night air.

 

Ebetheresa will then be picked up by the Ghost of Brexit Present. Ruddy faced, with a pint in hand and a cigarette perched between the edges of his smile, Nigel Farage will appear to the PM, accompanied by a great feast of blue passports and border guards.

 

Nigel will transport Ebetheresa around the city of London showing her the great bounty Brexit is bringing to the people. Visiting the humble Rees-Mogg family, Scrooge will see the plight of Tiny Sixtus who, despite still being in the EU, retains a smile for his poor father and stays grateful for the millions and millions of pounds his exhausted dad has managed to scrape together.

 

Chortling merrily and stifling a beery belch, Nigel will disappear with a jolly bellow of ‘must be off, it’s happy hour you know!’.

 

 

Ebetheresa will then be struck by a freezing wind as she witnesses the misty arrival of a hooded figure cloaked entirely in black. All she will be able to make out will be his bone white hands and she will wordlessly remark how he will be able to pass through airport security unbothered.

 

The Ghost of Brexit Yet to Come will silently beckon for Scrooge to follow them to a deserted, snow-covered graveyard. The graveyard will be directly behind a hospital to save on petrol costs.

 

The ghost will show Ebetheresa a series of headstones marked: ‘Here lies Britain’s International Reputation’, ‘The NHS’ and ‘The Conservative Party’.

 

At the last, Ebetheresa will fall to her knees and beg the spirit for forgiveness, for the opportunity to repent and undo all the bad before it’s too late. The figure will then lower its hood and reveal its visage as a cackling Dominic Raab gleefully shrieking "Your fault Ebetheresa! It’s Your fault!" as he casts her into a fiery grave.

 

The PM will then wake to find herself safe in her bed, Philip snoring soundly next to her. Rushing to the window and throwing it open she will cry “You boy! What day is it?”.

 

“Why it’s Prime Minister's Questions day Ma'am,” a chimney blasted urchin will reply.

 

 

 

Flicking the child a £10bn ‘donation’, Scrooge will shout “run to the shops boy, fetch me the largest bottle of champagne, the thickest portion of paella, the most enormous bratwurst and Brussels Sprouts! Brussels sprouts upon Brussels sprouts boy, I say!”.

 

Ebetheresa will then bound into her pants-suit of purest white and sprint out of Downing Street, leaving Philip confusedly rubbing his eyes in bed.

 

Beaming at her opposition in the house of commons, the PM will confidently and patiently listen to another harried backbencher as they make their plea for a People's Vote on the Brexit process.

 

Standing straight and smiling, Ebetheresa will take a deep breath and calmly thank the MP for their question.

 

She will then dismiss the idea and insist on delivering “the will of the people”.

This has been a Fake News short story plagiarised by Kieran Macfadzean.

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