“It’s really all about fucking headspace int it” the 59 actress grunts before taking a swig from a warm can of John Smiths Extra Smooth Bitter she then slams dismissively onto the upturned IKEA furniture box she sits next to.
We sit in Kelly’s lounge in her East London flat. Having answered her door to me in off-white vest and cargo shorts and gesturing for me to perch on a sun lounger in front of the TV, she had begrudgingly thrown on an orange parka out of politeness before ensconcing herself onto the nearby stained mattress she now lounges on.
She is wearing sunglasses, explained to be her way of keeping the searing light of the room’s 17 lava lamps from making her hangover even worse.
“See, the Lorraine Kelly character, she’s a right little fucking sweetie pie int she” Kelly snorts in her natural cockney drawl.
“All simperin’ an’ smiles an’ that, so before all the shows I’ve gotta get me ol’ noggin in the right fuckin headspace you know what I mean geezer?”.
Kelly lights a cigarette she has been rolling with some difficulty for the past few minutes. Having been trying to give up the habit until recently (before lobbing her e-cigarette at a protestor outside ITV studios in anger) she is out of practise.
She continues through bursts of hacking coughs, “Lorraine is basically like that bitch from the ‘arry Potter flicks, you know the one. Pink dresses an’ teacups an’ kittens an’ all that, but wivvout the torture I suppose”.
“It takes me about ten solid minutes I reckon to turn from Lorraine Kelly actor to Lorraine Kelly the character”.
The pedigreed actor has portrayed Lorraine since 1984 and has always maintained a degree of separation, never breaking character when cameras are rolling. Beyond this, she has played in several smaller roles in series like Peaky Blinders and Eastenders as well as the film Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.
The interview is cut short when a man named Shark arrives at the door boasting about a new shipment and Kelly urgently ushers me out of the fire escape.
This has been a Fake News article (that's right, this isn't real) by Kieran Macfadzean.
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